A guest post by Sarah, mum to Neve (10), Cissy (3) and Jemima (1).
I have had a difficult week, and it has led me to write what might seem a somewhat macabre list. In my bookselling days I have always said that it is so important to have a book about dying on the shelf because the moment that you need it is the one moment when you don’t want to be in the bookshop looking for it. Explaining death to very young children is difficult – and the real significance is often lost on them. I’m not sure that any books on my list are really for the under 4s, the subject is often dealt with in a very abstract way which is probably beyond them. Having said that here are the few that I think are worth considering – depending on your circumstances.
1. Badger’s Parting Gifts (Susan Varley)
This is the one I like the very best.
Badger is friend, advisor and the wise old creature of the woodland – and he knows it is his time to die. Badger’s friends are extremely sad when he leaves them, but find hope and comfort in their memories and also the gifts that badger has wisely given them before he dies. Their memories let badger live on.
This book is a bit of a tear jerker for the grown ups (unfortunately one of the traps of these kinds of books) but it is poignant and gently told. Highly appropriate for explaining the death of an older person – may not be so relevant for a more sudden loss.
2. Old Pig (Margaret Wild and Ron Brooks)
This is an Australian title and an award winner by Margaret Wild with gorgeous illustrations by Ron Brooks (of Bunyip of Berkley Creek and John Brown, Rose and the Midnight Cat). With the backdrop of the passing seasons, the story of Old Pig and Granddaughter unfolds. They live together and share everything. As the winter approaches, so does the inevitable passing of Old Pig. It is subtle, tender, gentle and beautifully illustrated. It is a book for the 4+ age group and its subtlety may be lost on some. Again it is more appropriate for explaining the loss of an older person – Old Pig has time to put her affairs in order and say goodbye to her life.
3. Lifetimes – or Beginnings and Endings with Lifetimes in Between (Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen)
With the decline of religion in many of our lives, it becomes harder to find solace in the loss of a loved one. How do we take away any meaning – and try to convey this to our children? Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie with illustrations from the wonderful Robert Ingpen (mentioned here just recently) is a book that goes some way to finding a religion-free, yet meaningful pathway through the topic of life: beginning, middle and end. And the book does exactly that, it takes nature and explains that everything has a life, a beginning and an end, with a lifetime in between – from the shortest life of a butterfly to the long life of a tree. Although abstract in nature, this book has a more general application and celebrates the lifetime – the living of life - which I think can be of some comfort to the grieving.
There are a host of other books out there for trying to explain death to children – inevitably it will be hard to find one that perfectly describes your situation at the time, but I hope one of the above might prove useful.
My last recommendation is for the grown ups – but it might help with the kids too.
4. Coping with Grief (Mal McKissock and Dianne McKissock)
This little book is really inexpensive ($11.95), written in Australia. It is a sensible, practical workbook to help you through the process of grieving. It has a section on Children and Grief and also has advice about how to cope with anniversaries, special dates and how to get support. A really good book to have on hand or to give to those grieving – it should be on all our bookshelves.
I hope this post doesn’t seem too much of a downer – I am taking comfort from the fact that the wonderful world of books has something for every moment in our lives, from the saddest to the most joyous and if we immerse ourselves in books the whole world is at our disposal!
[Editor's note... Sarah's post has reminded me that at the time Rowan's grandma died, we used a lovely book, which is perfectly pitched at the under 4 age-group. I'm adding it here as the final book in our Top 5 books on this topic.]
5. Ethan: What Happened to My Little Brother (Lisa White)
This little paperback has the look of a self-published edition, with simple line drawings and somewhat unconventional layout. But it is one of the best little books I’ve seen to help explain death to a toddler. It has been well-researched, adhering to the generally accepted advice available from early childhood and parenting experts. Toddlers are particularly prone to fears for their own death or the death of their mother or father after experiencing the death of a loved one, and this book helps to allay those feelings. It tells the story of the death of a little brother, who dies as a newborn in hospital. And although it depicts this particular scenario, we found it straightforward to adapt the story to our own situation of an older person dying after an illness. As part of the story, it includes a number of ideas for saying goodbye - such as letting off helium balloons and planting a tree - that younger children will be able to relate to. It might be a little hard to find a copy of this one, but it can be ordered direct from the publisher or via Seekbooks.
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